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|Monday, May 21st, 2012|
|Requiem for a Friend
You were and are my friend,
Though there was little I could do for you in the end,
You whimpered and cried,
While it turns out my promises were only lies.
Lies to you and to me,
Though desperately I would they had been true,
All I could do was to give the engine more gas,
And rage against the thought that you might pass
Panic set in, knowing I would lose my best friend,
No more kisses, nor balls could be thrown when,
Your warm sweet head fell to rest on my knee,
And I knew you would never again lift it for me.
I would not, could not give up,
No time for tears when you were so close,
A shade, a spectre or merely a hope,
I picked you up and refused to let the tears show,
Into the hands of those who might save you,
I carried you there with uncertain hope,
Knowing what they would soon find,
That you would no longer be mine.
How I would relive that day,
Knowing it may end the very same,
For the chance of saving you,
Instead of sitting on this lonely pew.
Affectionate until the very end,
I loved you so as you could not understand,
What pain is this to see you die,
Knowing yet to you I could only lie.
You were and are my best of friends,
And my tears seem to have no end.
For the life we once shared,
I only now understand this is simply too much to bear.
Empty room and hall haunt me with unending will,
As does silence in the evening still.
My last selfish request cried on bended knee,
Is that you please wait there for me. Current Mood: Broken
|Saturday, September 2nd, 2006|
|What a difference a long freaking time makes
I'm going to be sad if one day livejournal gives up on me and deletes my account. I wonder what the inactivity period is before they'd do such a thing.
I'm two weeks into my law career. My eyes hurt, I'm grumpy, and I'm hounded by a constant feeling of being two steps behind. My loans keep getting hung up, my place still isn't finished, my stuff isn't even unpacked, I have a ton of assignments to do, I'm behind on my briefs, I'm drifting further out of touch with my family and sister, and I am, it feels, wandering into some forest that I'll never find my way out of.
The bar association gave us a mandatory seminar last week. It concentrated largely on depession; more specifically, after the first sememster of school law students typically have roughly an 8x higher chance, than average, to be in some form of depression. They gave us the numbers of 10 to 40% of law students suffered depression.
I won't lie, and if you hadn't read my lj from high school, I had my fair share of teen-angst and suffered from lack of confidence like any other young person. But I'm starting to wonder if I already qualify as being depressed; they tried saying that a symptom of depression was the constant nagging feeling of having things to accomplish and of falling behind. Sometimes I almost get panicky at night, when I lay down. I think of the billion things I have to do and the next thing I know I can't sleep.
You would think I'd simply go to bed early so I could tackle these problems instead of writing an lj entry at 1:10 in the morning. Amazing how irrational the human mind is.
For what its worth, if any of my old friends (and I hope you still consider us so) still read this: I miss ya'll. It feels like we're all just growing up so quickly. Marriage and children have been the buzzwords in my group. Everyone seems to be having a kid, getting married, or a combination of the two.
I always thought I was a commitment-ready person. However, now that I'm dating a good girl and that, logically, those thoughts are SUPPOSED to come up... the idea of serious commitment scares the shit out of me. Yes, I'm already seriously committed if I've been dating someone for over a year; thats not the point though. Its different. its complicated. I have my career as a scapegoat now, but it won't always be there.
Life is a funny thing. We find what we think we want, then we think we want what we never thought we'd want if we had what we wanted. HAH! Now you are just as confused as I am about my life. Join the club, lets comisserate over a drink. Current Mood: lethargic
|Saturday, March 18th, 2006|
|And the carousel makes another pass...
It seems I've managed to come full circle. I always abandon this LJ, for whatever reason. This time I believe it was that I was too busy.
No matter - I always seem to come back to it. Without fail. In a way its almost this.. this painfully detached, objective observerer. More than happy to bring back memories I'd long forgotten with a click or two, and always willing to listen and hold the sometimes burdensome thoughts of a tiresome day.
I actually just finished reading a private entry of mine, from a bit over a year ago, today. It is funny. Not the good funny either; its the sick funny where something cruel happens to you just at a time when you've congratulated yourself for believing you've covered every vulnerability. Not a crack unfilled, not a tear unmended, not a posion without an antidote - yet there are always cracks, we always seem to become ripped apart eventually, and.... most importantly... we always seem to be stung by one thing or another.
I will be the first to admit I am melodramatic at times, and in some sense, I almost blame myself of revelling in my misery. A few know that I am actually quite a prolific poet - however, the juices only flow when I am in misery. Its that drivel that borders on the line of perpetual teen-angst. I've never written anything happy. Well, once I did - but it did sound so forced. Not sure if it is the lack of inspiration or if I simply never allow myself to not be depressed about one thing or another.
And so, this rambling speech miraculously, though unsurprisingly (isn't that always the case? that miracles never seem to surprise; its the things we should expect that always seem to jump right out and grab us), has brought me back to why I even logged onto LJ tonight.
I feel broken. I feel like what I've created is falling apart. My mind is plagued with second guessing. I have memories that, thought I may cherish them, drive me half-way to madness. Dreams, almost every night, haunt me with people, places, things I should have said --- things I should do in my waking state, if my nerve would keep. I miss you, if only you knew.
I've lost one of my jobs. It was the low-paying but steady one. I was fired for missing too much work one week. Student employment my hairy ass. I am sorry that I put the grades on my tests above a paycheck. Having a test a day while doing my best to show up and perform at all of my jobs, fulfill my extracurriculars, my outside commitments, while juggling my personal life has become a bit difficult. Having a test every day of the week, missing that extended weekend by being at Dallas, and then being bombarded by papers caused me to miss 3 of 5 work days. 2 really, but Maria was a bitch when I showed up half an hour late one day (the day before i was fired; incidentally I was late because I was upstairs working on an extra credit assignment for my last test grade - due within the next hour) and sent me away. Go figure, the bitches fired me the next day. I've put a lot of work into helping make that place work, including taking on a job that was delegated to a salaried worker for the meager pay of 7 fucking dollars an hour, and thats the thanks I get. If you can't tell that I am bitter, well.. I am. Fuck them.
Regardless, now I'm looking at getting on with FNC, its a computer tech firm, 10 dollars an hour. Hopefully that will work out for me.
I'm in law school now. Whoop de fucking doo. Why can't people accept that I am not excited. It is my perogative to not be excited. I've known I was getting into law school from day one. I'm still disappointed with my rare breakdown on the first lsat. I only has 7 of 21 correct on games, thats HORRIBLE. Three months later, I vindicated myself by taking the LSAT again and only missing one. I rarely, if ever, crack. Unfortunately, that episode, combined with the law school's tendency to average LSAT scores, fucked my dreams. Yes, I know I should be happy. However, I was on track to do so much more. All I've ever really wanted to do was make a difference. Money doesn't mean shit to me. My family has been dirt poor my whole life. I've worked my way through college with the help of scholarships. I know poor. Poor doesn't scare me. I could be a failure and live a life more fulfilling and comfortable that what I have had so far. What matters is that I want to make a difference. I want to be that guy; the one who stands up for something and really makes it happen. Not saying that an Ole Miss law school education won't be enough for that... its just that it'll put it in doubt. Like it or not, our world blows ass. Names, pedigrees, and history mean a lot. Duke or similar caliber schools would have given me an edge in my start - now I'm going to have to work for that myself.
Anyway its late and I'm tired. Ranting can drain you at times.
I'm certain I'll be back, eventually. Current Mood: gloomy
|Thursday, May 19th, 2005|
|I guess I really am a moderate afterall?
Your Political Profile
Overall: 50% Conservative, 50% Liberal
Social Issues: 75% Conservative, 25% Liberal
Personal Responsibility: 50% Conservative, 50% Liberal
Fiscal Issues: 25% Conservative, 75% Liberal
Ethics: 25% Conservative, 75% Liberal
Defense and Crime: 75% Conservative, 25% Liberal
|Sunday, March 6th, 2005|
|and for a change of pace
I just had a really random, pretty fun, night. I was too pissed off earlier, but whatever, alcohol and oven-ready food products do a lot to help your mood. I just ate enough fries for like 5 people. And ddr is freakin evil, haha... long story. And i'm out. Current Mood: amused
|Saturday, March 5th, 2005|
|we're all made to be alone in the end
So... every plan or option I had for tonight definitely just bailed on me. Its 9:58 on a saturday night, and I'm going to do just what I did on 9:58 on my friday night. Sit here, by myself, and find someway to waste another hour or two before i go to bed. You know, I tried to be angry, but I really can't. I'm too tired, too alone to be angry, cause what will that accomplish, really? Nothing. I wish there were someone that I could want, that I could have. Both, not just one or the other, as it seems to be all too much lately. I have 2, 3? options sitting on my table, and I don't REALLY want any of them (at least, I'm not sure anyway). There's one that I want very much that I can't have though, funny thing what 600 miles of distance can accomplish. All the way on the other end of TN. But the jaded part of me makes me wonder, do I want her? or is it just because I can't have her I want her. Am I in some kind of self defeating cycle, finding unattainablity attractive? Will anything that I CAN have always seem wrong? So, then... is where i'm at now, is that the status quo. That vague uneasiness, almost like the beginning of dusk - you can tell its almost off but never can distinguish the problem. After a while, you lose your senses and wonder if you ever didn't feel the way you do now; I mean, its possible this is all imagined right? Is there a better state? is there a worse??
And so, everynight, I have one partner in my bed. In my bones. In my head. In my closet, in every shadow, every lamp, every cell phone, every wall I see... its there. Or is it, it isn't there? Its that surreal reminder, that yes, in fact, we are alone. And no i'm not necessarily speaking about religion, i'm just saying... we... we're all alone.
But don't let the victim mentality come to mind, we're not guiltless. I'm afraid I've managed to upset a few of my friends, I never get/or do hang out with them. I'm always tired, or busy, or talking to "someone". And I feel guilty for it. I say i have no plans tonight... i could go over to beeler's, a few friends are watching movies marathon-style over there, but I just... i just don't want to. I have a feeling I'd do nothing but trade surroundings for the state of mind i'm in. I'd be just as uncomfortable, and alone there as I would be here, but would have no livejournal to vent it to. And I can't drink, cause I'm driving. And why am I always the DD? Its like a matter of fact now, if we ever go anywhere, people always ride in my car, i by default don't drink. Why not make them drive? Cause they'd just drink and drive anyway, and call me a little bitch, but that shit just doesn't fly. So its either, I stay sober and they get free rides, or I take chances with a drunk driving the car I'm in. I'm stickin with the choice i made, but i think its pretty shitty. And you know, maybe I'm being unreasonable now, but I feel I deserve it.
I hate who i was, I hate what I'm doing, and I hate even more what I'm becoming. I don't want to be your average dick guy. I don't want to hurt other people's feelings for my own... but do I have to be everyone's little bitch? If you try to do nice things you just get dicked over.... everytime. Its like you don't have a choice. Either feel bad about stepping on other people's feelings, and even hearts, or wallow in the shit everyone else throws at you. I mean, its essentially which hurts less to you. I can't help it if I give a shit about how other people feel. I fucking suck, there, you happy? When did it become such a fucking crime to care about other people's feelings. And if there was ever a motherfucking high horse, I swear, I'm riding it now. I can't help it, I lied... I am becoming angry.
I've done good, I've trained myself to control my temper. It used to be a huge problem for me, but its not gone. I still have a temper, I just control it now. Instead of letting it loose on anyone else, I can feel it in me. Its kinda warm, feels sorta like it eats away at you from the inside. It goes away eventually, but its always there. Most of all, I'm just tired.
I'm tired of work, but I need the money. (Gee, Jared, why do you work so much, what do you do with all that money? (actual question i had btw) Actually, I get that one a lot.) Well, would you like to fucking know? Rent. Gas. Food. Books. Cell phone bills. The clothes I wear, gas I burn, the sheets I sleep in, the speakers that are playin right now, shampoo I use... its all from what I earn. And I'm breaking even this year, especially since the fucking federal government decided that a 20k dollar household, with one kid in vet school, and another in undergrad no longer deserves the fucking pell grant (I get an endless, resentful, kick out of hearing how "oh, we're increasing the amount we give on the pell" - go fuck off, its pretty damn hypocritical to take away your help and brag about doing more good than ever for people) but you know, maybe they have a reason for what they do, maybe I just don't see it, maybe I really am just being unreasonable. All I know is that for every word, every bit of logic, every number you want to throw at me, I just know the reality of the matter. I see my life, dead ahead, no blinders. Yes, I'm bourgeousis, and I'm proud of it. It's an improvement for me; i'm living on my own better than my mom and dad, or my sister, and a lot of my relatives. As pitiful and dirty as I may be now (at least, by my *ahem* betters here, at ole miss) My roots run deeper, and lower than you can imagine. No one in my family owns a business, my dad isn't a doctor, or a lawyer, or even a pharmacist. He's a heavy machinery operator at a wal mart distribution center... thats after losing his "good" job at being a crane operator on offshore oil rigs. And you know what. YOUR DAD IS NO FUCKIN BETTER THAN MINE YOU SONS OF BITCHES. He works his ass off and gives more of a shit about me and my family than what I see of the people around me. My dads poured his heart out, and broken his body, just so I could eat, so I could have a semi-decent christmas, he gave every bit of himself to give me every chance to do better. He loves me, and you know what, FUCK YOU.
Okay, I think I am ranting now. There's just so much frustration inside me. I'm living a lie, to be brutally honest with you. I can't live like this, I can barely afford it now. Whenever I get into law school, the reality is gonna come through. I'm gonna break, but you know what. I'm gonna do it anyway. My dad gave himself for us, I owe it to my kids (if I ever have them, sometimes I wonder), my family, my sister, to do everything in my power to help them. And I'll be damned if I ever let my parents go into a nursing home, thats bullshit you don't even want to get me started in.
I really, genuinely, do feel like something is broken inside of me. I don't understand it, not at all. Just don't understand it. I'm sure anyone who reads this and only knows me, not "knows me", might be shocked, or hell, maybe i'm not so good as feeling people as I thought. Maybe I'm just lying to myself saying no one knows, and I'm the only fool out there. I feel like I come off as a happy person, I try to. I want to be happy, i really do. I want to help people, and I try. I'm such a "nice guy". You know what, there would not be a bone in my body that wouldn't be thrilled if i NEVER, EVER, E-V-E-R, heard those two words put together. Talk about a knife through the heart. Every breakup, every rejection, every blow off, even every half-assed compliment, has sucked those two words in. They do more hurt to me than a lot of things. You're such a nice guy, a nice guy like you will find a great girl, you're such nice guy, you're so kind, you're such a nice guy, yadda fuckin yadda yadda. So yes, if you're still reading this bullshit rant, please... never ever call me a nice guy. I can't tell you how thankful I'll be for it. I'm not lying, I really do twinge whenever I hear those words, so I dont' care what you call me... call me a son of a bitch... i'd prefer it to that.
I'm so spent, I feel genuinely tired now. For anybody thats curious, when you look at me, be careful thinking you know me - cause you know what, you don't. You dont' fucking know me, I won't let you. Deal with it.
"I wasn't really dying, I wasn't host
to cancer or parasites; I was the
warm little center that the life of
this world crowded around."
-- Fight Club Current Mood: defeated
|Tuesday, February 22nd, 2005|
|you know what
As much as I bitch about it sometimes, I love this job, haha... No, really, I just woke up from the greatest nap EVER. One of the perks of having my own office (okay, okay, so its not REALLY an office... but my very own cubicle) besides having my own computer to play on when i should be working, and desk space where I can do work that I shouldn't be, is that its a cozy little place to nod off for a good hour when no one's looking for me. And then I wake up and find the bottle of dasani I had just bought - i could've sworn I drank it already, but no... its still there with all the watery goodness that made me buy it... That nap did me wonders if you hadn't guessed.
Okay, so theres a little bit more goodness that could be done, but I do have to maintain appearances here, I can look busy at least. And I am busy, just not at work. I've come off a nasty week with 4 tests (84, 100, 102, and 86 respectively, not my best work, but i'm not too worried about it) but ya know what? I'm nearly done. I spent all last weekend in a suit for mock trial, and I'm soon to do the same this next weekend, but again, I don't care. Because soon I'm gonna be in me-time again. I'll probably only have a week or two of me-time before my next round of tests, but right now thats all I need. I'm just stressed, and amused, and a million other things.
I'm now a southpark character, thanks to mary catherine (thanks mary catherine) although the blood might've been too riscue a touch, I admired it. Lets see here... oh yea, lsat lsat lsat, I need to get on the ball there. I've ordered practice tests and I'm getting really excited.
My friend whom I consider myself pretty equal too smarts-wise is doing pretty much the same thing I am. And by this i mean exactly the same but a year ahead, he's doing business school insurance and econ, I'm doing business school insurance and econ. He's doing law school, I'm doing law school. You get the idea... well anyway we did all the same things in hs, the quiz bowl and crap, and we make similar grades - he made i think a 164 on his lsat the last time he took it (i may be wrong here, but it doesn't matter). What matters is I trust his snap judgement, and he said that he believed I could make a mid to low 160 easy. For those of you not keen on the lsat score, thats good. Good enough to, with my gpa (and hopefully credentials) set me up to be at least reasonably competitive for schools like usc, duke, upenn (i know sze, you might see me yet), fordham, etc... you get the idea. This all hinges on my actual lsat score though. And while the vote of confidence from josh makes me feel a little better and those schools a little closer, now that its become exciting its also a lot more scary - its on the line now. Its ballgame, you know? But on the bright side I do have a little more slack than I've been used to. For undergrad I was limited to schools I could get a full-ride to; I've accepted I'll be swimming in debt, so for law school I simply want to be admitted. I'll take the loans, do the time, and eat nothing but ramen for a few years if thats the difference between usc and ole miss haha. But we'll see, right?
Yea so my TI83 was totally stolen (again, this is the third time I've lost one) last week when I was studying for my accounting test. What a bitch. I'm debating not buying another one but I'm dreading having it come up in conversation w/ my folks. They still bug me for losing the last one, they'll have a field day with this. So I go to the lost and found and theres like 3 billion calculators nicer than mine - why do jackasses always steal MY shit eh??? Go get somebody else's junk, its more expensive and they can afford to replace it, haha.
So I totally have no idea when spring break is breaking and what I'm doing for it. A ton of friends are leaving town and doing their usual thing but I've never gone anywhere for spring break. Well, never gone anywhere but home. And to be honest, I'm debating just staying here that week. Thats horrible I know, I love my folks and all - but small doses. Weekends, for instance, aren't bad at all. drop the 'end' from weekends and things get a lot uglier. lets not even talk about christmas or summer, shall we?
And with that, the dasani is finished. Since i've just been sitting on my ass all day I'm gonna ask off early so I can make the 4 o clock mock trial meeting. Thats what kills me about this job - sometimes i can be so busy, and others i'm just... doing this. This week is the exception too; we only have oh... *counts in head* like... 7, 8 samples under the hood so far that are to be put on the weekly assay plate. Normally in a week we're running closer to 2 to 3 hundred. Yea, its ridiculous, I don't know whats going on, but I sure dont' mind it. I'm down for not working and getting paid to sit here. Another hour, another seven bucks.
Not to mention, I want a PSP. lol. Expensive bastards, but they look absolutely awesome. 250 for one, but if you preorder you have to pay like 390 (cause they make you buy a ton of crap with it - damn capitalist pig dog bastards), and of course... preordering is pretty much your only chance of scoring one around here in the first 3 or 4 weeks of launch. *sigh* The ignorant and pointless things i do. Current Mood: nerdy
|Thursday, February 10th, 2005|
Remember way back when... i said fuck camille, but no, i'd let her come up here if she wanted.
Its offically, I'm unilaterally saying fuck camille. We hadn't talked in forever and we were talking tonight and she just pissed me off in such a bitchy way. I mean, not like I hate her, but fuckin' a... that shits just not attractive at all, forget her.
That and i've read one chapter for my test in the past 4 hours.. damn computers, damn tv, damn roomates and politics, and damn mcdonalds for giving chet a double cheeseburger i ate... lol. Damitall!!! lol.
And damn futurama, cause i can't stop watching it - Smellovision, baby. Current Mood: amused
|why am i not surprised?
You Are A Romantic
You are more romantic than 90% of the population.
You life your life like a fairy tale... or at least you try to.
Living for magical moments, you believe there's only one true love for you.
Love is the most important thing in your life, and you don't take it for granted.
Your perfect match loves to be in love as much as you do!
|a thought that struck me
So i'm sitting here at work, yet again. Its officially part of my routine now; there is one thing that i love and hate about it. Some days, like today or the past few days, i have maybe 30 minutes of work and i sit on my bum for about 2 and a half hours. Not bad, a little boredom involved but I'm on hand if they need anything is what it amounts to. Then, some days... almost always fridays, and occasionally other days, all hell breaks loose. I'm coming in as early as I can and am lucky if I can leave before five. I've lost count of how many weeks I've left here half an hour late hurriedly finishing the weekly assays or doing somebody's pet project. Anyway, I sorta like being able to do all my work at my own pace (excepting fridays) but geez, it does get boring sometimes.
They pay me to be bored though, and I'm down with that.
The real point of the entry though - i'd made reference a few weeks back to me having thoughts I'd rather not have. Well I was able to put a pretty good finger on it i think. Part of it anyway. It all came to me as i was walking back from my morning class today. For the millionth time I pass this one white hummer, not a 50k dollar h2, and actual 100k h1 hummer. Its loaded, obnoxiously so, with sigma chi logos and a million stereotypical frat-ish stickers on the back window. He even managed to squeeze a sigma chi vanity plate thing in his windshield on the passenger side. Inventive bastard. Anyway, what really pisses me off is that everytime I have see this car, he has pulled up and parked up over the embankment, in the grass, in line with all the other cars. Essentially "creating" the closest parking spot... so he, at 11 o clock, has the closest parking spot of any person there. Obviously he gets ticketed everytime he does it, but I'm certain if you can afford a 100k hummer, fraticize it, and leave it caked in mud, a puny 20 dollar ticket every tuesday and thursday adds up to nothing for this guy.
Thats when it struck me. yes it is assanine behavior to do that consistently (and I genuinely hope he gets booted or towed one day for it), but it pisses me off irrationally. I'm not mad at him for being an ass, I'm mad at him for being a RICH ass. Which brings up a serious conundrum I have to face. Very soon... well relatively... within ten to twenty years, I will have succesfully broken into that same income bracket... well. Most likely, anyway. I will have climbed from a family of high school teachers and offshore crane operators to be a lawyer, and if I can give myself this luxury, a good one. I really wondered where I stand income wise - i know that my family generally doesn't make as much as my friends, but i mean... this is ole miss after all. Anyway, with all my afore mentioned boredom and free time I went off to do a little googling. The federal poverty line is set at roughly 19k... well, the top side of 18500, but you get the picture. Thats the figure for a family of four. That is also about 2 or three thousand dollars less than my dad makes. My mom doesn't work, so the mathematics is simple. i come from a family earning roughly 110 percent of the poverty level. And you know, this is where everything gets really interesting.
I never thought of myself as being poor growing up. I never thought college was rough either. Between scholarships and my job I live pretty comfortably. But the funny thing is, this has been the highest quality of life I've ever experienced. I have my own car (granted I was going to buy, but my aunt gave me hers because she didn't want me to go into debt financing one... not to mention, it would've been a crappy one anyway), I personally purchased the largest tv i've ever seen in-person in my or my friends possesion (barring beeler's ridiculous 42'' hdtv), lol. I wear name brand clothes, eat good foods, eat out a lot (though less this year), I pay for my own cell, gas, rent, bills, everything; i offered again to pay for my insurance on my car, but my parents refuse to let me. I guess they figure thats the one way they can help me, they dont' want to give it up. Speaking of the food thing... i understand now how ridiculously expensive it is. I mean, it is even for me now - i can understand why it was such a treat, and my folks so reluctant, to eat out when we would drive into town to go to the walmart. Really, 24 bucks a meal for the family isn't precisely cheap. Not to mention, i always had to supersize and make mine the most expensive meal. Anyway, i understand better now than I did then why it was such an occasion, and understand... at least a little, the position it put my folks in. And it makes me sad, but it makes me thankful. I do love my folks... as backwards, sometimes over-conservative, and clingy as they can be, they're good people. But I digress I am ENTIRELY off topic. The point I was trying to make is that being in the "poor college student" role, I've lived better than I ever have before. People ask me what I do with all my money, why I even need to work. Well. I pay for everything i eat, drive, use, write on, read from, and light my room with. That does eat up my pay, but even so I still always have a little extra left over. Chet makes fun of me for spending it as impulsively as I do... but I guess its a little noveaux riche in me... I can afford things that before I would've had to pass up - by default I must buy them, lol. I'm gonna lose that streak when I hit law school and become a true "broke college student."
And here's the catch. People always act like the rich among us are condescending, think they're better than the poor, or are in just any other way self-righteous or self-serving. The thing is, I feel the same way about coming from a poorer family. I feel superior to these rich kids who never had it hard. I feel superior to people who i've never met, who i know nothing about, and who could be perfectly good ( and better than I am) as a person, but i irrationally have this stifled urge to think myself better than them for having a "more real" childhood. Its utterly hypocritical, and if anyone has ever heard me rant... hypocrisy is my hugest pet peeve, i hate it, it drives me mad. And when I see it developing in me, its incredibly frustrating. I stifle the thoughts and try to ignore them or censure myself whenever I have them... but its forced. Its like telling yourself to say that orange is red. Your natural reaction is its orange (they're assholes), the reaction you want to say is its red (they're not assholes). Even that example isn't fair, its presupposing that to be rich is to be an asshole and that I'm simply telling myself they aren't. That isn't true. Its just as unfair of me to be prejudiced against my financial betters as it is for the hummer drivers to think the driver of that old model oldsmobile is an inferior, poor, redneck. It'd make me angry if they did, and I'm sure its got to make them angry to be misjudged too. Not to mention, one day I'm going to be (not necessarily a hummer-driver... but something equitable) in the same position, and do I really want people who I grew up around to think I'm an ass for having a nice car? Thats totally unfair.
Not to mention that whole crap about feeling morally better than those who have more money than me... what about the people who really are living in poverty? Me and my sister are out of the house so its not such a strain on my folks anymore. What about people who have kids, and who are well below the line. If being poor is a virtue, then I really can't complain about others - because I've been lucky. A 3 hour drive home and I could show you about 20, 30k people in nearly identical shape to our own. Oxford can be so disillusioning in matters like this.
I do feel a little better having said all this, but its really a valid concern i think. I don't like to tell myself I'm better than other people, cause... I'm not. Its hypocritical, its unfair, and its just plain not right. Yes there're rich assholes who can park their hummer on the grass every damn day if they wanted, but you know... they're poor assholes who'd do the same thing if they could afford the ticket (or did and got towed and just couldn't afford to get it back, lol). Whats the difference? One asshole was to be born into a rich family and the other into a poor? Does that make the poor asshole better? An asshole is an asshole. I need to understand that. I also need to keep my prejudices under check, and not let myself be fooled into seeing what i want to see and not what goes against my views. Even if it is a knee-jerk reaction that'll bother me for the rest of my life, isn't it my duty to correct myself every time? After all, isn't a good person someone who refuses to give into their faults rather than someone who is lucky enough to be born with none? I want to be a good person. I'm beginning to see why its hard though, its so easy not to be and never realize it. Makes me wonder what else I'm doing that I haven't noticed yet. Even now, after reading this, I feel like I'm patting myself on the back... and its not that. Its just... its hard. Current Mood: quixotic
|Monday, February 7th, 2005|
Something very good could be happening to me right now. Very good. Current Mood: touched
|Saturday, February 5th, 2005|
Funny thing this... So i finally told her and it all played out like it would in my head. I won't bother explaining what happened, but lets just say i was a pretty strong pessimist going into the whole thing, maybe it was the wrong thing to do, but all things considered - especially how... illogical? unbelievable? peculiar? i don't know the word to describe our history, maybe backwards? I don't know, either way I had good reason to be suspicious of anything good coming and lo and behold i was right. But you know, its really amazed me, I dont' feel bad at all. I feel relieved. More than just the, i have to tell her - relieved. I just really do feel like I got something off my chest - if i were to die tomorrow i have one fewer things I'd regret not having done. Chet called bullshit on me when i said that, and truthfully i called bullshit on myself. I was waiting to wake up in the middle of the night thinking... wtf did i do? Or to wake up today and have second thoughts about having done what i did. But strangely enough, i slept well - and even stranger, i felt perfectly fine today. Good, even. Better if i could find a missing part of my weight set - but thats all irrelevant.
On the other hand, I do have an absolute ton of work to do. And an unsurprising development? I officially decided to say screw camille, i really didn't have enough fun last weekend to warrant me going out of my way. Anything that'd happen would be forced and just... not fun for me. Anyway, I guess its not fair to say that unilaterally. I mean, if she comes up here to see me like she said earlier, I guess i'd let her - but whatever I'm not putting anything more up front.
Did i mention i'm starving? I think I'll be visiting mcd's soon. Mmm... is it bad that I always get 3 double cheeseburgers... its like... a habit. They're just soooo good. Damn i'm hungry, okay... got a ton to do before i can eat though. My car is being crap and needs to go into the shop, so I don't want to drive more than I absolutely have to - so i'm gonna go get food/groceries shortly, then go over to a&k's, they invited me over to drink and hang out last night so i figured i'd take em up on it. I love my friends, I really do. They're gonna be the hardest part of leaving oxford. I know its a year and a half away, but shit... i've already knocked out 2 and a half... i mean wow. I'm lookin at law schools, and depending on my lsat, I have the gpa for a duke-level law school(which i would incidentally shit a brick to go to). oh well, whatever, i'm starving for real, gonna go get dressed and roll out...
|Thursday, February 3rd, 2005|
First thing I've written in forever. Got bored in class and wrote it down...
A Morning’s Thoughts
Sunless morning light bathes damp ground,
Trudging forward, morning air presses back, refusing to yield,
Biting cold, seeping through garment and flesh,
Air in my lungs damp as the withered blades underfoot.
The world colored by unearthly senses,
Gloomily, eerily, beautifully different.
Blind to searching eyes, resolute in its own beauty,
A single songbird assails the morning peace with lonesome serenade.
My attention pulled away,
Unearthly footsteps of a stranger seize me,
Echo slowly down the street we share,
Echo slowly through the mind I bear.
Eyes closed, I touch the air.
Perhaps it is the air touching me.
Bird and stranger turn to one,
Breathe it in, locked away inside my chest.
Yet they must escape before they may return,
Must blink, let go, mine is not the time to stay.
The day is here and I am called,
Beyond their reach, beyond the voice, beyond it all.
|Wednesday, February 2nd, 2005|
|I never, ever cease to amaze myself
So i'm sitting here at work fighting the need to nod off. Since my boss has been gone I've inherited her desk and computer, so dont' be surprised if you see more posts from me at work. Hmmm... this weekend was interesting. Sushi was not as bad as i thought it'd be, but it was still pretty uncool. Ice skating hurt,but not as bad as I thought it would. And camille was fun, but not as fun as I thought she'd be. I suppose we can all make mistakes.... misjudging persons - but what kills me is how impossibly difficult it is to make old flames die. I went this weekend to see Camille, I left fighting with thoughts about another person. I really am embarrased to say anything, at the risk of sounding fickle - but I did find out some pretty serious things that made me reevaluate my stance regarding her. I was in a frenzy sunday night (no thanks to some over-romantic friends who nearly convinced me to drive back down there that tuesday) but I decided I'd be better off just calling and talkin to her - like i did last night. The only prob is after we'd been talking, i'd just finished the small talk - was gonna lay it all out - just as soon as i did this, she became sick and had to get off the phone. It's like getting yourself psyched to jump out of a plane just to find out at the door, looking down at the ground, that you have to wait until the next day to jump. Even if you'd much rather do the deed right then and there, before courage fails.
But those are the breaks. I say this as if i'm concerned of her answer (and being the liar I am I have to admit a part of me really does want it to work out one way) but the most important thing that is keeping this all in perspective for me is that this simply has to be said. period. Its been cooking for years and has to get out here and now. Not that it'd break me up for the rest of my life if i did nothing, but the way i see it - i wouldn't be living my life to the fullest. As if by fate, I found a great quote by Doestevesky... paraphrasing: a great deal of unhappiness and pain has come from things unsaid and undone. What I have to do is clear, what the outcome is matters, but not that much. I have to stay objective. Its my only way to keep my head in the middle of all this. I'm bad about being swallowed by the moment, forgetting myself - i can't let that happen now, its the only way I won't screw up and the only way I can keep myself from getting hurt.
Man, never saw that coming. Current Mood: okay
|Saturday, January 22nd, 2005|
So yea, in the middle of a drunken hookup apparently her boyfriend *who i didn't know existed* was sitting in the same FRICKIN ROOM lol... haha, or how about me being threatened to have my intestines ripped out with a knife *indirectly of course... i only found out through chet and my boy wiley haha....* Haha... whatever, fuck that kid, i guess i could call her like, in a few days - appareantl yshe was breaking up with him, but whatever, i have bigger fish to fry. This is the first time i've ever had my intestines threatened though - props to good friends, right... lol. Anyway, it was fun, whatever, and I needed the ego stroke, homocidal boyfriend or not hahahaha... wow, that really is a first. Well i'm a drunk, time to call it a night. lol.... here's hopin my intestines stay intact...
God bless I was so drunk writing that. I did a pretty good job of typing if you ask me though, just didn't do a good job of not sounding like a dumbass, haha. I can't believe I sat there and argued the merits of calling her later (what was i smoking?) or drinking, or whatever, haha... Oh well, good thing you sober up eventually, right...
|Thursday, January 20th, 2005|
Everybodys heard this bullshit about time healing old wounds, or helping you forget things, or whatever. And you know, I always thought it was true... but now I wonder sometimes. I really would rather not get into it, but there are some things that used to really hurt that I thought I was cured... if thats the word... of. I feel so utterly free and on my own sometimes, like I've really accomplished something. I feel like I was a fool to ever believe i needed any one thing or any one person... almost like I was in some silly delusion. And its almost like, by repetition I believe this. Like I'm a better person for throwing off a crutch. And you know, this usually works. But sometimes, for no good reason *like... oh... five minutes ago* I just get blindsided by this random memory, or I'll find something I thought I lost, and I mean. It doesn't hurt like it used to, it doesn't show, and I don't feel teh shallower emotions, but it hurts like... I don't even know how to describe it. Its sort of an overwhelming emptiness... and then, then I'm fine again. But it never really goes away, its just kinda... hidden.
Its not like my life isn't going great, cause it is. I'm talking to a really awesome person, I knocked my gpa through the roof last semester, work is great, money is a little tighter this year since I lost my grant, but its not bad at all. My friends are the best ever, I've read so many books in the past month or so - 4 or 5, I can't remember. All the little things I used to love I'm jumping back in. I'm even considering going through the state fire program and become a volunteer firefighter even - i mean, I'm taking challenges and overcoming them and its just this euphoric feeling. And yet, for no good reason, at no specific time, it can all feel empty. There's always one more thing I want, something I just can't get. But you think I'd be satisfied? Well, I guess I am satisfied. Most of the time...
I can't help but feel childish, or selfish, or inadequate sometimes. And looking back, I see its ruined some really good things for me. Some really good things... and I mean, thats great, I can recognize my weakenesses - whatever. The problem is, I can't say that I've done anything to fix them (can you do anything to fix them?) Blah, anyway, I need to stop thinking and start sleeping... I just wish there was something I could do to flip the light switch, to just... turn this off. Cause, if time doesnt' fix it, I don't really guess anything will. And peculiarly enough, dont' think I'm depressed and moping about when I'm writing this. I went through that stage, its just... I feel resigned to it almost? Like I've given up fighting it, I've accepted there will be some emptiness. But I guess I haven't really accepted it, have i? Or maybe I'm just being stupid and should sleep... Current Mood: confused
|Monday, January 17th, 2005|
|from the bottom of the glass
Man, scotch is the bomb. I already feel better, and I lied.. I am talking to her anyway. Haha... sue me. Current Mood: refreshed
|green light to a whole lot more shit
Well, I'm sitting here debating my first big question of the new school year. To shower now, or in the morning? I don't feel fresh now, but I wont' be after I work out in the morning either. I suppose I'll shower twice. What a waste of clean laundry. I hate laundry. No, I hate the drier the most. Not only does it take two cycles to make my clothes not dank, then you have to stand there and fold them. I hate folding clothes. lol.
Man, I'm utterly ridiculous. I was nearly going to update last night; I was blaring Lenny Kravitz's "Lady", I felt on top of the world. I was gonna write and let it be one of the few times where I posted from just feeling good. I missed my chance. I really do amaze myself sometimes though. Out of absolutely nowhere I started talking with a girl that I'd nearly forgotten. We'd met sometime last year, hit it off - we dodged a drunken hookup but exchanged numbers and aim, and then promptly began to live like it'd never happened. Randomly enough, one of my sarcastic (and entirely too early) messages about Valentine's day got a response from her, I left her a little note on aim innocently enough. Then we just blew up talking, discovered that we have identical views on religion (which is amazing, considering how bizarre and varied my views are). That spurred a huge conversation on what books to read, and who thought what, and it was a blast. Of course, she's already cute, I know that, and I had a great time talking with her. I'm supposed to drive down to Jackson and go ice skating with her at the end of the month, and she even invited me to go see a blues band with her when they play in memphis. Now suddenly, when we talk I'm scared of being boring or sounding stupid, and in the process I'm looking like an idiot and not being funny haha... man I am utterly ridiculous. As soon as I care I always mess things up. But you know, whatever, I think I talked to her too much lately anyway, i'll just let it ride and what happens between now and the 29th happens.
I still don't know what happened with monica, I hung out with her all night last week and it was fun, but geez. That chick is all over the place. i thought I messed it up at first, but now I'm cuttin myself some slack. She really is everywhere on the map.
You know what else kills me? When a really difficult person starts asking you difficult questions, then simultaneously insults you and ignores your advice. Not just not taking it(which is fine), but discrediting it and you altogether. Gee, thanks.
But you know what? Fuck it all I do say. I have my counting crows, the promise of a nice hot shower, and a semi-made bed that'll be calling my name pretty soon. But then, I also hear my 8 o clock tomorrow calling my name as well. It won't be too bad, I have a two hour break between my last class and when i start work on t/x... but on mwf i have the most ridiculous schedule. 9-10, 11-12, and 1-2, with work from 2-3. But on the bright side, maybe I'll get some reading done in those off times. I've nearly finished 1984 in just 3, 4 days now. Great book, by the way - a tad scary though.
I'm considering volunteering with the local fire department out here. I'm sure I'd get to hear my folks drone on about it not being safe, and I'm sure my other boss (this is an incredibly long and tired story so I'm foregoing it, if you really really must now just ask me later) would think more lowly of me for doing it, but whatever, it does seem a little fun and a little more resume padding is always welcome. Damn law school.
Have you ever wanted to curse for no good reason beyond the simple fact that you are at a loss of words to explain your current mood. A simple, damn, or a tired shit, or an exasperated fuck, would do better to capture my mood at the moment than a small novel of my own words. In a way it speaks to the commonality of the emotion, but then, it also doesn't speak highly of my vocabulary.
You know what I say? Here's to all the ice skating, to all the blues concerts, to all the self-defeating thoughts... to the depressing vision of a totalitarian world, to an overly loud tv playing star wars in the next room, to my desperate need for a shower, to the sheer exasperation of another semester, to every impossible person i know, to my thesis, to my lsat, to every other damn thing thats in my head right now - i'm going to have a drink, get in the shower, and go to bed... Current Mood: restless
|Sunday, December 26th, 2004|
|boulevard of broken dreams
So christmas has officially come and gone. Is it bad that I'm actually happy, i hate to say it but I was almost getting sick and tired of christmas. Not to sound like some punk rock prince or a tired neo-hippie, but the incredible commercialization of christmas is really sickening to me. And yes i'm religious (we'll come back to this) but even if i weren't, i'm sure many jewish, atheist, muslim, hindu, zorastrian people would agree with me - the degree to which commericals and shopping is shoved down your throat is just plain sickening. I mean, it actually became tedious to me, lol...
As for religious, or even anything not-commercial, i felt strangely disjointed to this christmas. Every christmas song that came on actually made me feel sadder and more depressed. I truly thought I was losing it, I actually nearly started crying for a moment when I was unwrapping my presents this morning. ANd you know a throught struck me, I'm going to psychoanalyze myself. It was like... it was like I didn't want to be there, I was being forced to unwrap presents I didn't want to get in a christmas celebration I would have gladly never taken part in. Which begs the question, why? I always loved christmas, even beyond presents, its just the season that I've always loved. The only time I was really happy today was when I called about 20 or so people that were all my friends. Just hearing from them made me happy, and the calls i got... it was great. But sad is the fact that this happiness was so brief and far removed from the christmas I always loved. And that is exactly the problem. I'm using past tense.
Growin up this was always such a big deal, big family get together, the sofa would have presents for my sister, the love seat for me - we'd have a tree with tons of gifts underneath (not that all were mine, but that it was an... atmosphere). Christy and me would be up ridiculously early, even when i was in high school it was so. It had this allure about it, one big adventure. The way the air felt in teh livingroom - still chilled, but we didn't care. My mom with the video camera insisting on embarrasing me andmy sister both (which, I admit, I did watch the old tapes for a while when i was younger - those are long lost though, I have no idea where they went after the tornado hit us back in ninth grade). But all this is leading to the big finale. The past few years foreshadowed this, I wrote them off as being girl problems/infatuations -- Last christmas was one, the year before yet another, and, though I'm less sure, I believe somehow i was mixed up in some drama I created even the year before that. But now I'm thinkin those were excuses and not the problems. Not to say i'm free from any kind of external worry like that, no... its more that I think I've been slapped in the face with the real problem.
we had "christmas" wednesday for my sister. She's missed the past 2, maybe 3 christmases. We've had them early or on some non-christmas day, moved the dinners, everything. This year wasn't any different, except only christy opened her presents on wednesday. It feels weird without her. There're no 'santa' presents on the couch and loveseat - those years ended even before christy stopped being able to come to christmas. It was all a big farce and we saw through it, but it just felt right and good. But thats the thing, we've drifted so far away from the christmas I used to know. I wasn't up early. I barely got out of bed at ten - it was only cause my dad woke me up. Used to be it was 5 or 6, and we were waking up them. And whats more, even when i was up, I didn't care. I would've rathre slept. It wasn't cold, it was dark outside. I wasn't excited in teh least to get silly presents. I wanted christmas, not december the 25th. December is all I got though. And thats why I think I almost resented christmas this year. Every one of these "christmases" help to dilute the memories I really do cherish, the things I don't want to forget. These fake christmases are killing the christmases i grew up loving, and I almost hate them for it. I truly think I would've preferred not having any christmas to the half-assed one we had today. Its a horrible sentiment, and it makes me even a little sad to read that - sadder still that I still stand by it- but I can't help it. I feel almost like I'm betraying how I grew up. Whats more, its a conspiracy to betray with my entire family involved. I am, it seems, the only one who really cares anymore. Or at least, the one it means the most to. But then, thats all part of growin up I suppose, and I really shouldn't bitch too much. I outgrew santa clause, I guess I'll have to outgrow christmas too.
What a twisted december the 25th eh? Oh well, I'm sure some sleep will make me feel better. And if the phonecalls I had today are any indication, I'll feel a lot better when I'm back with my friends in oxford. Well... to enjoy the family thing while it lasts i suppose is all that I have left to do... Adios
I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But it's home to me and I walk alone
I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
and I'm the only one and I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk a...
My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone Current Mood: discontent
|Sunday, December 5th, 2004|
|i wish that i could be back in the day that i could say... let it roll
I truly don't understand myself. whatsoever. I was wasted out of my mind last night, because... without realizing it, my new bigass shot glasses (as I soon found out by playing with them today) aren't shot glasses, they're like 3.5 shot glasses. Well a little less, like 3 and a quarter. anyway, I was only counting them as one, and takin all that into account now that means i took around six tequila shots, 3 jager shots, and threw in like 2 or 3 beers in between. Oh, and this was within about two hours too. I made a lot of phonecalls that night before I spent some bonding time with the porcelin and passed out in my bed. And you know, none of that did anything for me. Like, my mood hasn't been helped at all. If anything its gone downhill.
Not like I didn't have a good time, I did. There was this one guy who was a dick to me, but even he was cool by the end of the night. I didn't give a shit about him, and to be honest it really did piss me off, but he was a good friend of one of my friends so I didn't say anything. So at least even in a drunken stupor I'm not entirely uncourteous. Whats more messed up, I didn't have a hangover when i woke up or all afternoon, but a hella headache is settin in right now, and I'm really not feelni it. I think I might turn in early. What else sucked... nobody of any of the 6, 7 people i called last night picked up. Way to make me feel better.
have you ever felt like a failure? Current Mood: gloomy